The return of something....

Warning: These are the real emotions I felt. I am not holding anything back, why? So you can see and try to understand what I am trying to show through this.....reaching deep within myself, and opening up in hopes that someone somewhere will read this and realize they are not alone.

Sometimes in life, things happen completely by surprise and it is devastating. Your whole world no longer matters, your insides are just cold and you just don't know what to do. You wanted to ask why and how but you can't, because there is no one to answer. You get angry at God. God, why? How could you take him? Why why why? I trusted you to protect Him, how could you do this? Why would you do this to my family? God why why why? I don't understand and it hurts so bad. Each moment throughout the day, you just feel like you are in a daze. Maybe it is a dream and you will wake up from it. The next morning comes and you realize no this did happen. The coldness in your body makes you realize it isn't going to get better, the emptiness in your heart just hurts, and your eyes are burning from so many tears. Nobody understands, everyone tries to comfort you but in your mind you are screaming WHY WHY WHY, and nobody can answer that. Some people completely ignore you due to awkwardness or not knowing what to say and do, and some people say what appears to be stupid things(at the time) like how are you doing? You want to scream back at them, how do you think I am doing but you don't....you say you are fine. It is a lie, but nobody knows how to deal with your truthful emotions. I am dying, I can't think of anything but that yesterday at this time he was alive. You can't keep thinking why didn't I just answer my phone at lunch that day. What could have been said? You keep thinking back to the text messages about the plans for 4th of July; it was only 4 days away when it happened. You have so many questions but there are no answers....Each day you pick up the phone to call him and realize you can't talk to Him anymore. Your day now starts by thinking two days ago he was alive, a week ago he was alive, a month ago he was live. You try to put on a strong front in front of others, after all your family needs someone to be strong. Every once in awhile the emotions will hit hard but in your mind you put things in a imaginary box and try to not think about anything or feel anything. Then one night things hit you so hard, you can't handle it anymore, you lock the door to the garage, climb into his car, and pray you will go quickly....then in that moment, you hear a voice you haven't heard in a long time...it is very soft but the instant you hear it, the painful emotions stop, and you find peace for the first time in years. You realize God has plans for you, God does love you, and He is there for you even if you pushed him away in anger. With tears streaming down my face, I said God I need your help, I hurt so bad and I can't do this....then my journey began...school in 2008, then to Africa in 2010. Yes I ran from God for a long time, anger consumed me and I hated being open and real with people. I became a hermit, staying away from people and the drama. Couldn't they see I didn't care about stupid petty things anymore? I wanted to say to them, Get a life and grow up, be happy with the people you have and just live. But myself, I couldn't live....However in 2008,  The Lord gave me peace and began slowly healing my heart, the pain still hurt but Africa was what it took for God to show me, he loved me, he called me for a greater calling and I had a purpose for my life. I felt God like I had never felt him before in my life. The past 6 years since Clen had died, I would have nightmares about Him. In each dream, he would be calling out to me, Stacey help me, but I never could reach him in time, in each dream he died a different way. When I first got to Africa, the dreams became more graphic and more vivid. One time we were in a house and he was stuck in the garage door, a tornado was coming, and he was screaming for me to help him but I couldn't get him free and then the tornado slammed into the garage door, and killed him. One time we were in his car, racing across the pond on a dock and his brakes failed and he went into the pond and I could hear him screaming for me to save him but I couldn't get to him in the car under the water. I would even have moments where I would be in bed, I would hear him breathing beside me or dream about him coming and sleeping beside me in the bed and listening to hear if he was breathing right (he had asthma). You may think these dreams are crazy but they affected me deeply. I was by myself in Africa, I didn't trust anyone enough there or knew anyone enough to open up and say I need help; I am being tormented at night. I even tried playing P&W music at night to keep the dreams from happening and sometimes it helped and sometimes it didn't. Then one night, I just got on my hands and knees and said God you have to help me. I rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus. Devil you have to flee in the name of Jesus. God please take these dreams from me, and help me have peace. That night, I had another dream but this time it wasn't like the other dreams. In this dream, my brother, my precious tall brother walks up, smiles down at me and says "Stacey, you don't have to worry about me. I am in heaven and I am ok". I remember looking up at him in my dream and just remembering his face and his smile. I wanted to hold onto that moment with him. That dream was the last dream I ever have had about my brother Clen. The Lord answered my prayers, and gave me that precious dream. I have had peace ever since and I have gone on with my life. Each year on June 30, I think about Clen but the hurt and pain tend to start up and I make myself stop thinking about him. We still don't know how, why or even possibly who, but that is for the good Lord to tell us one day. 

The reason for the blog was to tell you that despite everything, I have just recently rediscovered something I had been missing. I first discovered it on my last trip to Niger. While there I had to opportunity to help my good friend with his homework for school, and I was able to spend some quality time with him. He acted up, and bantered back and forth with each other, just like me and Clen use to do. Throughout my short time there, Caleb helped me remember what it was like having a little brother again. I was able to laugh and have fun and have a true brother bonding experience that I hadn't had in almost 11 years. Then this past weekend, another missionary friend from Niger came and stayed with us for the weekend and again I was reminded of what it felt like to have a brother again. Caleb and Timmy thank you both for your friendship, your ability to act stupid with me and for loving me and helping me realize what it was like to have a baby brother again. This week I cried about losing my brother as I dealt with emotions that I hadn't dealt with in a long time, but I am also thankful for God allowing Caleb and Timmy to show me through their friendship and actions that my heart was closed and that I have other little brothers who need their big sister.  Some things in life hurt us but it doesn't mean we need to forget what it was like having those things. Let's remember the good times, open our hearts up despite the pain we have felt and continue to show Jesus Christ in our everyday walk. Thank you God for baby brothers! Thank you Lord for the best baby brother I could ever have and for giving him to me for all of his 18 years. Thank you for letting me be there with him for his prom and graduation a few months before he died. Thank you for freedom to express my emotions. Thank you Lord for a clean heart and a renewed spirit!