My Birth - September 1, 2010
My roommate left to go back home to the US last night. I called my husband when she left to go for early check-in and started crying when I was telling him she was leaving. It is amazing how much I cry here in Africa. When I was back in the US I tried to just be tough all the time and I hated crying. Now I just cry because I know only the Lord sees it and he is the only one who gave give me peace here in this desert. I’m not saying I cry all the time I’m just saying now when I need to cry I just cry and am not so ashamed to cry. Crying shows humility and the need for my Jesus to help me because he catches my tears in his bottle :)
Anyways the point of this blog is that after I got home last night I went and just talked to God about how I needed him to help with the upcoming days, to heal me of this malaria, and to help me with my loneliness. While in prayer God just revealed so much to me I just have to write about it.
My 9 months in Africa everyone (and myself) always assumed that I was starting something and planting something for my future in Africa but God revealed to me that I’m “not giving birth” so to speak but I am the baby……whoa…..BIG change of thought process for that one. I’m the baby in the womb, God is holding me, protecting me, nourishing me, and watching me grow daily. He supplies my needs, he gives me the strength to make it each day, he wraps his arm around me and holds me tight, and he is my comforter. This changes everything. Excitement and encouragement fills my very soul at this thought….and I thought Jordan leaving was really sad but the same night God revealed something so amazing and utterly comforting that I’m not sad anymore. I have strength, I have hope, I have encouragement, I have protection, and I have a friend that sticks closer than a brother and HE is always right here with me. So what has my spiritual growth been like the past very months?
Month 1 : First God told me to do something - go to Niger on June 17th .I begin planning and planning but it wasn’t my timing but God’s timing that made all of this come together. On June 17th I arrived in Niger and the process was started. The 1st month I was here I was like a small baby I couldn’t talk to anyone, I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t buy anything without a translator, and I totally had to just be content and let others help me because I was completely and utterly unable to do anything for myself so to speak. I learned how to swallow my pride, ask for help and be humble. My pride almost choked me a couple of times but then I realized it wasn’t worth spiritually dying over so I let it go. Humility is not a lesson that I would have learned in the US.
Month 2: Confusion and Homesick – My birthday and anniversary were spent away from the ones I love and that was extremely hard. I begin truly missing everyone back home during this month more so than the first month. I also had confusion as to what I am supposed to be doing while here in Niger. I spent more time speaking to Jordan (my roommate) about my problems than to Jesus and the more we talked to each other the more we just got further saddened. Then one day Jordan read this awesome devotional and it was just what we needed to hear – no more sympathy for each other (about this topic). During this month I also asked for prayer and encouragement because I was so sad about missing my family that I lost sight of the big picture that God sent me here to do. “I come not to do the will of men but the will of the one you sent me”. When we take our eyes off the spiritual things that God is leading us to, the physical emotions (confusion, loneliness and self-pity) take over. We must daily (hourly) “kill” our fleshly thoughts and walk close to God and look up to him. If we look down at our problems we will stumble and fall and lay on the ground until we reach back up to God for his help.
Month 3: Insecurity – I’m having to step out and do things that normally I would rely on my husband to do. Decisions have been easier the past few years because I ask my husband’s opinion and I trusted/trust it. So most of the time I did what he said in the past (the rest of the time I made a stubborn foolish choice 75% of the time). Here I have to make decisions and trust in GOD. I’m having to learn to rely on God to help solve my problems and not my husband. That was a big step for me because I have to listen closely to GOD and trust my decision. Trusting myself hasn’t been an easy thing for me since my past decisions have not always been the best thing but I’ve learned if I trust God that I can trust myself because if I’m listening to God then I can trust my decisions! Voila! Problem solved with one main component = JESUS. I also realized I was holding onto old painful feelings so I wouldn’t get hurt again by the same things or people. I have to let go, and allow God to heal those wounds and not expect the worse to happen in the same situation next time. When I expect the worst I am giving the devil the power because of course he wants to screw it up. So now I’m praying to be less negative and more positive about future situations in the future.
So we shall see what months 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 will lead me to learn. Pray for the future and for me to hear the voice of God more clearly than I ever have before in my life :) I pray that I continue to grow spiritually in a way that utterly confounds the world because I seek Jesus more than the things of this world. God Bless!
Anyways the point of this blog is that after I got home last night I went and just talked to God about how I needed him to help with the upcoming days, to heal me of this malaria, and to help me with my loneliness. While in prayer God just revealed so much to me I just have to write about it.
My 9 months in Africa everyone (and myself) always assumed that I was starting something and planting something for my future in Africa but God revealed to me that I’m “not giving birth” so to speak but I am the baby……whoa…..BIG change of thought process for that one. I’m the baby in the womb, God is holding me, protecting me, nourishing me, and watching me grow daily. He supplies my needs, he gives me the strength to make it each day, he wraps his arm around me and holds me tight, and he is my comforter. This changes everything. Excitement and encouragement fills my very soul at this thought….and I thought Jordan leaving was really sad but the same night God revealed something so amazing and utterly comforting that I’m not sad anymore. I have strength, I have hope, I have encouragement, I have protection, and I have a friend that sticks closer than a brother and HE is always right here with me. So what has my spiritual growth been like the past very months?
Month 1 : First God told me to do something - go to Niger on June 17th .I begin planning and planning but it wasn’t my timing but God’s timing that made all of this come together. On June 17th I arrived in Niger and the process was started. The 1st month I was here I was like a small baby I couldn’t talk to anyone, I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t buy anything without a translator, and I totally had to just be content and let others help me because I was completely and utterly unable to do anything for myself so to speak. I learned how to swallow my pride, ask for help and be humble. My pride almost choked me a couple of times but then I realized it wasn’t worth spiritually dying over so I let it go. Humility is not a lesson that I would have learned in the US.
Month 2: Confusion and Homesick – My birthday and anniversary were spent away from the ones I love and that was extremely hard. I begin truly missing everyone back home during this month more so than the first month. I also had confusion as to what I am supposed to be doing while here in Niger. I spent more time speaking to Jordan (my roommate) about my problems than to Jesus and the more we talked to each other the more we just got further saddened. Then one day Jordan read this awesome devotional and it was just what we needed to hear – no more sympathy for each other (about this topic). During this month I also asked for prayer and encouragement because I was so sad about missing my family that I lost sight of the big picture that God sent me here to do. “I come not to do the will of men but the will of the one you sent me”. When we take our eyes off the spiritual things that God is leading us to, the physical emotions (confusion, loneliness and self-pity) take over. We must daily (hourly) “kill” our fleshly thoughts and walk close to God and look up to him. If we look down at our problems we will stumble and fall and lay on the ground until we reach back up to God for his help.
Month 3: Insecurity – I’m having to step out and do things that normally I would rely on my husband to do. Decisions have been easier the past few years because I ask my husband’s opinion and I trusted/trust it. So most of the time I did what he said in the past (the rest of the time I made a stubborn foolish choice 75% of the time). Here I have to make decisions and trust in GOD. I’m having to learn to rely on God to help solve my problems and not my husband. That was a big step for me because I have to listen closely to GOD and trust my decision. Trusting myself hasn’t been an easy thing for me since my past decisions have not always been the best thing but I’ve learned if I trust God that I can trust myself because if I’m listening to God then I can trust my decisions! Voila! Problem solved with one main component = JESUS. I also realized I was holding onto old painful feelings so I wouldn’t get hurt again by the same things or people. I have to let go, and allow God to heal those wounds and not expect the worse to happen in the same situation next time. When I expect the worst I am giving the devil the power because of course he wants to screw it up. So now I’m praying to be less negative and more positive about future situations in the future.
So we shall see what months 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 will lead me to learn. Pray for the future and for me to hear the voice of God more clearly than I ever have before in my life :) I pray that I continue to grow spiritually in a way that utterly confounds the world because I seek Jesus more than the things of this world. God Bless!
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