Discouragement in a different world
I need prayer for discouragement. I feel like I'm either extremely happy or extremely sad the past week. I'm super happy to work with children and work for the kingdom of God but when I get back to the guesthouse I feel discouraged because I feel like there is something more to do. I know I am where God wants me but I question myself about what I am suppose to be doing while I'm here. I’ve questioned so much till I have turned into a hermit and not gone out to do things I know I should do to get out of this sadness. I'm thankful for Christian friends who encourage me and have made me get out and hang out with other Christians. I know it sounds so selfish to be discouraged after all that God has done for me but I just feel like I am failing him by not doing more for him while I'm in Niger. I'm blessed to have a room mate who loves God and offers her ears and encouragement for when I get discouraged. I'm blessed to have a husband who will get onto me and tell me exactly what I need to hear even when I don't like what he is saying to me. I ask you not to judge me but pray for me as your read this Blog.
Yesterday was a hard day. On the way back from the giraffe park there was a bad car accident, four women and three children were loaded into our truck and we transported them to the district hospital. On the way, the only thing I could think to do is try to help the girls in the truck (check them out and cover their bleeding) and pray for them. Once we got there I took one little girl inside to the E.R. and took another little girl from a friend. When I sat this little girl on the gurney she grabbed me and wouldn't let go of me. It broke my heart and all I could do is hold her and talk to her in a language she didn't understand and pray for her. In the mean time the people she knew came into the E.R. so I carried her over to them. Then I walked outside to see the other little girl being pronounced dead by the physician. She was only between 6-8 years old and here she lay dead on the back of the pickup truck and her face covered with a head veil. To make sure she was really dead I walked up and felt for a pulse on her arm and neck. Her neck already had the "death" feel on it (clammy and wax feel). This was the first time in my life I have ever been around when a small child dies. The emotions I felt were a mixed of sadness, and anger. Sadness because this little girl died and I didn't know if she was saved or not. I was angry with myself for not doing anything to save her from this death. I thought about what ifs. What if I was suppose to do something for her and didn't do it, what if God let us go by that wreck so I could do something but didn't do it. What if...What if...What if.....Why does a child have to die? And then with those thoughts of what if came the flooding cold feeling of utter sadness as I thought about my baby brother Clen. I had what ifs when he died. What if I had answered the phone when he called me the day he died, what if I could have talked to him one last time, what if I hadn't left that Sunday afternoon when he wanted me to stay, what if , what if, what if....I have even had alot of dreams about him in Niger and even in my dreams I can never save his life and the dreams are full of what ifs. As I sit here and cry I mentally slap myself for asking what if. What ifs won't fix, change or make anything better. What ifs are pointless and a way for you to torment yourself but still we do them.....What if we trust God enough to do what he tells us to do? What if we trust God so much that we don't ask What if or Why? That’s something to think about, hrmm? What if people think we are crazy for doing what God wants us to do? I had alot of people give me the "crazy look" when I told them God told me to come to Niger for 9 months and to leave on June 17th but you know what I didn't care, I just knew I had to get here and do what God told me to do. The what ifs didn't matter then and they shouldn't be an option now. I beg forgiveness from God as I questioned what happened yesterday. I beg forgiveness for doubt and discouragement.
I also have had to humble myself enough to post this Blog no matter how much I want to delete it and not let anyone read such personal thoughts. That has always been a hard thing for me to be totally open with my emotions. Even my husband gets onto me for not being real sometimes and not crying when I need to. I like to act tough and like I have everything under control but deep down I'm just utterly broken at times. I tried to fix everything myself but then I realized along time ago that only Jesus Christ could take away my pain, give me peace and security and he would never judge me.
But I still need to post this Blog. Why? Because I hope deep down that by admitting I'm not perfect and have problems that someone else might feel the same way and reach out for help and encouragement if they need it too.
Yesterday was a hard day. On the way back from the giraffe park there was a bad car accident, four women and three children were loaded into our truck and we transported them to the district hospital. On the way, the only thing I could think to do is try to help the girls in the truck (check them out and cover their bleeding) and pray for them. Once we got there I took one little girl inside to the E.R. and took another little girl from a friend. When I sat this little girl on the gurney she grabbed me and wouldn't let go of me. It broke my heart and all I could do is hold her and talk to her in a language she didn't understand and pray for her. In the mean time the people she knew came into the E.R. so I carried her over to them. Then I walked outside to see the other little girl being pronounced dead by the physician. She was only between 6-8 years old and here she lay dead on the back of the pickup truck and her face covered with a head veil. To make sure she was really dead I walked up and felt for a pulse on her arm and neck. Her neck already had the "death" feel on it (clammy and wax feel). This was the first time in my life I have ever been around when a small child dies. The emotions I felt were a mixed of sadness, and anger. Sadness because this little girl died and I didn't know if she was saved or not. I was angry with myself for not doing anything to save her from this death. I thought about what ifs. What if I was suppose to do something for her and didn't do it, what if God let us go by that wreck so I could do something but didn't do it. What if...What if...What if.....Why does a child have to die? And then with those thoughts of what if came the flooding cold feeling of utter sadness as I thought about my baby brother Clen. I had what ifs when he died. What if I had answered the phone when he called me the day he died, what if I could have talked to him one last time, what if I hadn't left that Sunday afternoon when he wanted me to stay, what if , what if, what if....I have even had alot of dreams about him in Niger and even in my dreams I can never save his life and the dreams are full of what ifs. As I sit here and cry I mentally slap myself for asking what if. What ifs won't fix, change or make anything better. What ifs are pointless and a way for you to torment yourself but still we do them.....What if we trust God enough to do what he tells us to do? What if we trust God so much that we don't ask What if or Why? That’s something to think about, hrmm? What if people think we are crazy for doing what God wants us to do? I had alot of people give me the "crazy look" when I told them God told me to come to Niger for 9 months and to leave on June 17th but you know what I didn't care, I just knew I had to get here and do what God told me to do. The what ifs didn't matter then and they shouldn't be an option now. I beg forgiveness from God as I questioned what happened yesterday. I beg forgiveness for doubt and discouragement.
I also have had to humble myself enough to post this Blog no matter how much I want to delete it and not let anyone read such personal thoughts. That has always been a hard thing for me to be totally open with my emotions. Even my husband gets onto me for not being real sometimes and not crying when I need to. I like to act tough and like I have everything under control but deep down I'm just utterly broken at times. I tried to fix everything myself but then I realized along time ago that only Jesus Christ could take away my pain, give me peace and security and he would never judge me.
But I still need to post this Blog. Why? Because I hope deep down that by admitting I'm not perfect and have problems that someone else might feel the same way and reach out for help and encouragement if they need it too.
Stacey,
ReplyDeleteWhat if Cathy and I had of had a house full of kids we wanted so desperately? What if my Air Force Days had of taken me to Viet Nam? What if my best friend (Bill) had not gotten shot up so badly over there? What if Face book had not reconnected so many of us? What if Hitler won? What if my dad had not died at 47?
Satcey what if you had never been born? Several senario's I have listed would have kept us (me and you) from ever meeting!!! That to me would have left a hole in each of our lives. You were and are a blessing to me. I hope you can say the same in reverse. The only true and wise GOD of heaven knows all about the what ifs. HE alone sets our paths before us; HE alone knows the whys of every path we take and all the incidents that happen on those paths. HE, because of the giving of HIS son JESUS and HIM never asking, what if, died for my sins and yours. We crossed paths because all the, what ifs, were taken care of!!!! HE loved and loves us. The "what ifs" are a tool of the devil. He loves nothing more than to snare us a cause us pain by all the "what ifs" of life. JESUS is the King of Kings and is still there today. HE will come again and set all things right.
You are a blessing there and here on FB; PTL and move to the next "fork" in the road.!!! Love you.
Coach
My heart breaks for you and that child...however, God is in total control. We must not undermine how much He controls everything. Though we do not understand, God could have removed that child for somebody's salvation. We never know what God is doing. I will continue to pray for you and thank you for your boldness in Christ to post this blog. I would like to recommend something for your discouragement and that would be singing a hymnal before bed. My husband and I have started doing this a couple of weeks ago and it is so awesome. We borrowed a hymnal from a church and every night we sing together. Some nights I don't won't to fall asleep because praising God is so uplifting. Please try it and see how it works. You can find some old hymns probably on the internet. I love you girl and keep up the good faith. Love~ Liz
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